Since arriving home two weeks ago, I feel like we have already been here a year. Seriously, all sarcasm aside, it has been an ... adjustment. Reverse culture shock if you will. This city and the people we have surrounding us, will always feel like home. However, we both feel like our heart is out there, in the big world. It is so big, and we are so small, and all we want to do together is explore it. Adventure addicts if you must.
Since being home, I have been fighting the old Christina. The version of myself that is always looking for encouragement, advice and honestly, just approval for any major decision I make. Right now, it is finding a job. I want so badly, to be "raking in the dough", so of course I think of data entry or reception to some big company, probably that oil company everyone keeps suggesting. The fact that I lean on everyone around me for guidance, instead of making a decision for myself is not okay. I know me best. I know what I want and need, so why do I look to others to help in any decision making? If I'm really honest with myself, it is because I am so focused on pleasing everyone else. And when I don't fulfill that, I am so hard on myself. But why? My true happiness will never come from anyone else, including Ben. It will always be within me. Only I have that power, so why do I choose to look for it in others? These are all question's that I am finding the answers for, within me. Therefore, I already know I can't sit at a desk all day, five days a week. I deplete energy sitting at a desk. Sounds strange, but it's exhausting because I have no outlets. I am creative, fun and loving. Those are not qualities needed at a desk . I have come to the grand conclusion that I will not be "raking in the dough" because my sanity is far more important to me. Joy is what I want, and joy is what I am truly searching for in my heart. Writing brings me joy. And just like that "note to self", I wrote when I was 9 saying, "Publish book when older." Then dammit, publish a book I will!
