family

most important people in my life.
There are plenty of reasons I do not want you or any other man meeting them. Even extended family. The reason being is because they only assume one thing. That we are together. And we're not together. I am not together with anyone. Nor do I have the desire to be together with anyone. Even when I do get together with someone, they will not meet my family for a very long time; until I am certain of that together-ness. so please stop asking to come around or hangout when they are home. I'm running out of excuses as to why I can't hangout then .

just let it be.

ass face.

yeah , you.

hide and seek

not everyone is like me, i get that. i need to learn to respect that. but the fact is, if there is something bothering you about me, or if there is an issue that should be addressed, just tell me. confront me about it, talk to me about it. avoiding me and being dishonest or hiding behind technology is pathetic, to say the least.

anyways.. today is beautiful. too bad i'm stuck inside working all day.

oh just kidding

no lunch today. i'm used to this kind of disappointment..



so, i will blast some BSB walk around the house in my underpants and sing a long.
this is wayyyyy better then lunch anyways!

UGH..yawn

If there's one thing in this world that makes me more angry then anything else..It's being woken up early, for not particular reason. I value my sleep. I've needed at least 10 hours since the age of 2. if i don't get that I barely function. My point is, don't wake me up early and expect a happy Christina..

SO MAD RIGHT NOW!

Communication..

You're asking me to trust you, when I don't think you even trust me. How is that fair? I'm not this girl you have experienced in the past, nor am I any of the girls that have screwed you over before. "Hopefully I've changed. With you, I'm a new person and you make me want to try harder." You can't just say these things, then retract. 

ugh.

i think am going to be sick.. i never asked to be put in the middle of all of this. 
this is not what i want. I want you. and I don't want to ruin the longest friendship i've ever had. 
this isn't fair. 
not fair at all.

Boys

Fuck you for hurting her for more then 5 years of her life. You're an asshole. She deserves the world. And all you've ever done is fuck with her head. 
Dee, you know you're more then worthy of something glorious, something full of unconditional love. He isn't worth. He's never been worth it. I love you. And I'm sorry this shit keeps happening to you.


"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." Bob Marley

"you're never going to be single."

I will prove you wrong!!!!!

heavy soul

So much going on right now.
My heart is heavy, and my mind is everywhere.
University probably will not be an option for me anymore.
So what the fuck am I going to do with my life? Maybe real estate or SAIT. Oh the options i've left myself.
Such a let down.


I'm not happy right now.
I'm not happy at all.

fuck you.

And if by chance, you're reading this..

I refuse to let myself feel any of it.
I'm numb to it all. It isn't Christina & Mac anymore.
Its just .. Christina.


So, I'm going to work hard everyday to be the best single version of myself.
Lets be honest, I'm 19. I have the rest of my life for "a&f."

i love you.

i just feel like i ruin it all.
i just need reassurance. not ignorance.

truth.

to the bone

i will defend my right to ask for the best. because i DESERVE the best.


right now. i just don't know what to feel and how to feel. my head and heart are sword fighting to the death. and i really don't know which i want to win..
this makes me cry. tremendously.

alone

"lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless."

why is it so hard?

shutting eyes. where dreams seem more real.

if i feel like i'll never be enough for myself, how can I be enough for you?
this is hard. and over-thinking is what i do. you of all people should know this by now.
i appreciate your optimism, but its not exactly what i want right now.
i just. i. fuck it. i don't know what i want anymore.

goodnight world. sleep is all i do.

lump in my throat.

this is when i start to pull away, and you turn the other cheek. because, yes, saying goodbye will be bittersweet. you tell me you love me, that there will be no one else. but i look at the odds stacked against us. all i want, is for us to try. but that just means we have to wait. and more time with you makes the pain subside. i never want to say goodbye. i hate change. i can feel it now. ive heard too many horror stories and ive been through plenty of my own. maybe i need to have a little more faith in us. but i know everything will fade. especially your love for me. and losing you will mean losing a part of me. i'm not ready for that. i'm not ready. im crying just writing this. i'm more afraid then you'll ever know. and i dont know how to fix it. how to fix myself for thinking the worst. I'm going to leave, and every other girl is going to seem more pleasing, and you'll lose interest. and thats it. simple. its done. and i hate the anticipation of it. come september it will be hell. my heart hurts.


Macy Gray - I Try
i try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

 I  WANT NEED YOU NOW, AND ALWAYS.

love

if its going to be like this: draining and hard and just a bitch.
i dont want any part of it.

false.

• i really dislike that this is the only thing that i can control. 
• behind closed doors.
• complications.
• too many emotions; i wish it was simpler. easier. 
• we always talk about whats next. or the possibility of being together for a really long time. i don't think we're ready for right now.. well right this moment thats how it feels. its always you. and i mean that with every fibre of my being. but sometimes its not easy. and i know its not supposed to be. but right now its hard. too hard. 
• complications.
• i just. can't. deal.