The Countdown to Midnight

A New Year. Smells like second chances. Take one on yourself.

2013 has come and gone so incredibly fast, it was almost too hard let go.

I've been reflecting on this past year, on the person I want to become and just how to get there. On the successes, and failures. The love and the losses. The adventures made and moments savored. When I really think about it, it all comes down to love. What you put out, you receive right back..

This year I have finally understood this. I have learned after many life lessons, you are your words and thoughts. If you think, but do not do, you will achieve nothing. If you put in the action and just have a little faith, you'll succeed in every way.

Just like your outfit for the day, you choose your attitude. Blame is just a tool. And so is forgiveness. Once you walk out that door, know you have the power to make someone smile. Your life will be made up of small kind moments. Don't forget, there will always be Karma.

So remember, whatever you do, do it with love.

Serious business.

Since arriving home two weeks ago, I feel like we have already been here a year. Seriously, all sarcasm aside, it has been an ... adjustment. Reverse culture shock if you will. This city and the people we have surrounding us, will always feel like home. However, we both feel like our heart is out there, in the big world. It is so big, and we are so small, and all we want to do together is explore it. Adventure addicts if you must.

Since being home, I have been fighting the old Christina. The version of myself that is always looking for encouragement, advice and honestly, just approval for any major decision I make. Right now, it is finding a job. I want so badly, to be "raking in the dough", so of course I think of data entry or reception to some big company, probably that oil company everyone keeps suggesting. The fact that I lean on everyone around me for guidance, instead of making a decision for myself is not okay. I know me best. I know what I want and need, so why do I look to others to help in any decision making? If I'm really honest with myself, it is because I am so focused on pleasing everyone else. And when I don't fulfill that, I am so hard on myself. But why? My true happiness will never come from anyone else, including Ben. It will always be within me. Only I have that power, so why do I choose to look for it in others? These are all question's that I am finding the answers for, within me. Therefore, I already know I can't sit at a desk all day, five days a week. I deplete energy sitting at a desk. Sounds strange, but it's exhausting because I have no outlets. I am creative, fun and loving. Those are not qualities needed at a desk . I have come to the grand conclusion that I will not be "raking in the dough" because my sanity is far more important to me. Joy is what I want, and joy is what I am truly searching for in my heart. Writing brings me joy. And just like that "note to self", I wrote when I was 9 saying, "Publish book when older." Then dammit, publish a book I will! 

Wanderer - Summertime Sadness

I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world. 

- Mary Radmacher

To grow up is indeed a blessing. To journey through life with gratitude, a wandering soul, and an appetite for adventure has been truly eye opening. When you see so much of the world in a short amount of time, and you learn to live as a minimalist along the way, you learn to really seize each and every day. When you meet new and old family who take you under their wing, and spoil you with memories, and home cooked meals, you learn to appreciate the true essence of giving back. It has all been such a whirl wind; Honeymooning for four months with the love of my life!!! Learning that we really are each others best travel companions. Knowing that if either of us is grouchy it's all because we are hangry. (Hungry + Angry) We've listened to countless songs, written many pages in our travel journals, thousands of pictures and videos, confided in each other till the early morning, went baby crazy.. Then not so baby crazy, brainstormed ideas for the next ultimate trip of a lifetime, found a new love for wines, and food! I have lived a lifetime in these last four months. And we still have two weeks left until we are at the home base. So crazy! Too much time can be wasted obsessing over the past, what people think, the future. And I ask myself why?? If I die tomorrow, I am so content with my life and how I have lived it. I have grown up emensely on this journey! I know it is just the beginning of many wonderful years to come from this wandering heart! I yearn for the next world wonder my eyes will lay upon, the next beach to lay on, the next dish my lips will taste. 

I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world! 

Robinhood

‎"The real winners are not those at the top, but those who have come the farthest over the toughest roads. Your victory may never make the headlines. But you will know about it, and that's what counts."

Ernest Fitzgerald


I see this, and automatically think of you. 


I have been single for a year, and have learned so much about myself, about what I want, what the world has to offer, and most of all how much I really don't know. Which only makes me excited to learn! 
I resented you because of this. 
I was so ignorant and selfish and you tried to help me understand..
Now, I understand. 

It's all a Journey!

I have learned so much this year..

I have changed so much. I appreciate so much more. 

when you think about it

Belief

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.

Buddha

I have learned my lesson, even though I should have known the first time around. I am in a better place because I approached the situation with maturity and logic. I don't regret anything I have done. I am who I am, and you are who you are. I do not need to prove anything to  you. Without trust, you have nothing. I am letting it go.

lesson

Don't make someone a priority, when they only make you an option.


This applies with friendship.
So upset.

the science guy

My last relationship only lasted 16 months. Science is right. 

up and out

I am the way I am for a reason. Right now, I'm ambitious, strong, determined and happy. However, after multiple discussions about how I've been acting and feeling I've come to the conclusion that I feel as if vulnerability is a disability. That's why, for the time being, I refuse to get close to another guy.

vulnerable |ˈvəln(ə)rəbəl|adjectivesusceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm : we were in a vulnerable position

assorted

I have gone through enough in my adolescent life to know that you can't please everyone. The issues, misery, tears, stress and desolation seem so large in scale, when in reality they are mere stepping stones towards building character. However, without issues, misery, tears, stress and desolation we would not be able to feel and experience, serenity, contentment, happiness, and love..

The last 5 years of my life have been a blur of overwhelming emotions. Captivated by the sense that every one I knew had it together except for me. I was so lost, dejected, and irritable.  I  could only see what I wanted to see. I knew the weight of expectations from family, school, coaches and even friends. It became too much to handle, so instead of dealing with it, I gave up trying. I coddled failure because it was the only thing familiar to me. I ended up becoming comfortable. and I never opened up, I always pushed people away. I was so afraid of being who I really am, because I used to be so insecure. I knew something wasn't right with how I was thinking, acting or even talking for that matter. It was foreign to me. It was like I was in a vivid dream, watching myself. I would burry my deepest thoughts and secrets until I exploded. Taking it out on those who loved me most. Having manic episodes and not wanting to even get out of bed. Depression.. consumes you like a demon. it crawls inside you, taking hold of you. draining you. One moment you seem fine, the next your light is gone. Just like blowing out a candle in a black room. I felt alone, tired and helpless. I can place the blame on a series of unfortunate events; death, deceit, anxiety, heartbreak - but why? How does blame help? It doesn't. Accepting responsibility for my actions is a step in the right direction, and well fuck, its been a long time since I've felt like I'm heading in the right direction.-  I have felt pain; great and deep, and full of agony and I would put on a mask every day for  1277 days. 1277 days spent being sad, hopeless and lost. 1277 moments that I missed.. If there is one thing I regret, it would be never asking for help. Never reaching out.. If you're reading this, and you are feeling what I have felt, please get help. Push your pride aside and reach out. 

The grass really is greener on the other side. 

Everything I have experienced has lead me here. To the beginning of a very new chapter. wait, lets say a new book. (the sequel!)  These last 6 months have been full of acceptance, appreciation and attempts to succeed in everything that i do. you never know until you try. I used to let failure define me; now, when ever I do fail I lean on those closest to me. I pick myself up, and try again, and again and again. failure, like misery, desolation, anxiety, hopelessness and stress are all emotions. they are all temporary. You may feel it now, but you have the choice to feel something else tomorrow. Why live in such angst, when you, and you alone have this great power inside you to live at ease? 

Just accept love. It is all around you, full and bright. You deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I never knew I was depressed until 6 months ago.. i have changed for the better. I am stronger. I am strong, charismatic, organized, healthy, kind, opinionated and so much more. I have so much to offer this world, and all of my time wasted, will turn into not enough time to do things I want to do! I am so utterly happy. I would not be here without my family and my best friends. In short all I can say is thank-you. I have so much gratitude towards all of you, i don't think you can understand how much you all mean to me. Camaraderie is important. hold onto those who would do anything for you. I love each and every one of you with every fibre of my being. 

Without issues, misery, tears, stress and desolation we would not be able to feel and experience, serenity,  gratitude, appreciation, contentment, happiness, and love..

Where would you be without love?

Where would I be without love? I used to be lost, I am so glad I found a sense of self again.

I've come this far.

I've learned.

miss. independent.

food

My relationship with food has been the same since I was a wee little one. I'm an emotional eater. I eat when Happy, Upset, Angry.. even when I'm sick. (Disgusting I know). But food is good. I love food. However, the way I see food and how I approach it is going to change now. These first ten pounds have been a pain in my ass over the last year of my life . Trying anything and everything I have failed. However, I have come to this very important and understanding part in my life. Health. Respecting my health. Learning new and interesting things about food for the sake of my health. So for the next ten days, I plan on losing a pound a day by exercising regularly and going on the fantastic, tasty, healthy diet. After the ten days are over, I'm going to make sure I keep eating great and follow through with my exercising. In the past I would do this, (ten days or 2 weeks at a time), see the results and feel happy but then revert back into old habits. Not anymore. I love exercise so much now. Giving it up is the stupidest thing I've done to myself in the last 2 years. I can't blame any situation or circumstance anymore. It is nobody's fault but my own. I'm happy. Its time to be Healthy.

dually noted

I have just come to the realization that my confidence as a single, independent, and strong young women is at 100% fully capacity. 10/10. "Verr' nice, how much." It is great; fabulous actually. However, when I become involved with someone, I realize my confidence diminishes almost entirely, instantly. I never understood why this 'reaction' to being in a relationship occurs. Part of the reason why a boy falls in love with me, is due to this confidence that I have.When the relationship begins, I begin to lose myself within my insecurities. They creep up and swallow me whole. This realization is frightening, yet, ..satisfying? Just knowing that this occurs and realizing that I do this in some fucked up way or another is just the first step. Maybe is because I have had a lot of bad relationships. Bad is an understatement. Thats besides the point, no matter which way you slice it, I did that to myself. I would let my insecurities take hold of me. Now I know what not  to do when I become involved with someone else. Who ever that someone else may be. However, "the one" that everyone so proudly talks about, will not make me feel insecure. Not in the slightest. "The one" will be worth all the effort, independence and strength. Until then, this 10/10 confidence metre will be full, and hopefully will continue to be full when i meet the person who's worth it all.

open your eyes

have you ever wondered what marks our time here? if one life can really make an impact on the world. Or if the choices we make matter. I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives; for better, for worse.

You've changed people's lives just by opening up you're heart. You have a good one, use it. Don't close it off!

this, me, you.

yeah, okay. Its nice having someone there, feeling that companionship, the cuddling, watching the cute romantic movies. i miss that, i love having that now. but do i need it? no . i'm having so much fun only worrying about me. only loving myself. I'm going to be selfish! i owe it to myself to be selfish. there's so much i want to do for myself . i've always been independent; but this is something new. and i love it! please be happy for me.
having a relationship, is more than i can handle right now. its so much effort. and time. and stress. i just don't want it. or need it. i'm not ready for that. and i refuse to let myself get completely caught up in someone else right now because i don't want to hurt them. yes, there's obviously feelings between us. but i can't be anything more for you. i don't want anything exclusive, or serious. i just want it to be you and i. watching cute movies and cuddling. thats it. 
i'm so happy . i'm so proud of myself. 
love my life.

unstoppable

My loyalties lie with myself. I owe it to myself to not compromise my integrity or self respect. Being able to stand on my own two feet after everything that has happened to me in the last 5 years is the best, indescribable feeling in the world. I am happy being me. Being vulnerable, straight-forward, strong and sarcastic.