assorted

I have gone through enough in my adolescent life to know that you can't please everyone. The issues, misery, tears, stress and desolation seem so large in scale, when in reality they are mere stepping stones towards building character. However, without issues, misery, tears, stress and desolation we would not be able to feel and experience, serenity, contentment, happiness, and love..

The last 5 years of my life have been a blur of overwhelming emotions. Captivated by the sense that every one I knew had it together except for me. I was so lost, dejected, and irritable.  I  could only see what I wanted to see. I knew the weight of expectations from family, school, coaches and even friends. It became too much to handle, so instead of dealing with it, I gave up trying. I coddled failure because it was the only thing familiar to me. I ended up becoming comfortable. and I never opened up, I always pushed people away. I was so afraid of being who I really am, because I used to be so insecure. I knew something wasn't right with how I was thinking, acting or even talking for that matter. It was foreign to me. It was like I was in a vivid dream, watching myself. I would burry my deepest thoughts and secrets until I exploded. Taking it out on those who loved me most. Having manic episodes and not wanting to even get out of bed. Depression.. consumes you like a demon. it crawls inside you, taking hold of you. draining you. One moment you seem fine, the next your light is gone. Just like blowing out a candle in a black room. I felt alone, tired and helpless. I can place the blame on a series of unfortunate events; death, deceit, anxiety, heartbreak - but why? How does blame help? It doesn't. Accepting responsibility for my actions is a step in the right direction, and well fuck, its been a long time since I've felt like I'm heading in the right direction.-  I have felt pain; great and deep, and full of agony and I would put on a mask every day for  1277 days. 1277 days spent being sad, hopeless and lost. 1277 moments that I missed.. If there is one thing I regret, it would be never asking for help. Never reaching out.. If you're reading this, and you are feeling what I have felt, please get help. Push your pride aside and reach out. 

The grass really is greener on the other side. 

Everything I have experienced has lead me here. To the beginning of a very new chapter. wait, lets say a new book. (the sequel!)  These last 6 months have been full of acceptance, appreciation and attempts to succeed in everything that i do. you never know until you try. I used to let failure define me; now, when ever I do fail I lean on those closest to me. I pick myself up, and try again, and again and again. failure, like misery, desolation, anxiety, hopelessness and stress are all emotions. they are all temporary. You may feel it now, but you have the choice to feel something else tomorrow. Why live in such angst, when you, and you alone have this great power inside you to live at ease? 

Just accept love. It is all around you, full and bright. You deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I never knew I was depressed until 6 months ago.. i have changed for the better. I am stronger. I am strong, charismatic, organized, healthy, kind, opinionated and so much more. I have so much to offer this world, and all of my time wasted, will turn into not enough time to do things I want to do! I am so utterly happy. I would not be here without my family and my best friends. In short all I can say is thank-you. I have so much gratitude towards all of you, i don't think you can understand how much you all mean to me. Camaraderie is important. hold onto those who would do anything for you. I love each and every one of you with every fibre of my being. 

Without issues, misery, tears, stress and desolation we would not be able to feel and experience, serenity,  gratitude, appreciation, contentment, happiness, and love..

Where would you be without love?

Where would I be without love? I used to be lost, I am so glad I found a sense of self again.